watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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