woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
