i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
