tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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