Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
