I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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