I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
