Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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