It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
