apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize