grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sorry my hands just texted you
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
