My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
