And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
