Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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