Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
