why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
