I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
