Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
