yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
