All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
