she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
