If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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