Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize