Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
