had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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