Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
