Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize