I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
