Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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