put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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