I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
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