Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
