i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Randomize
