I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
