I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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