found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
