Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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