If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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