as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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