My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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