i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
