My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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