yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My ass is underappreciated
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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