I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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