I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
