i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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