Christians are straight up FREAKS
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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