the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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