Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You took a bar mat shot.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize