the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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