It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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