its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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