I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize