we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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