tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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