I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
