I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
